It is almost Christmas as my little boy reminds me daily. Awwwww, the sweet anticipation of a 6 year old who anxiously awaits Santa's arrival. Thankfully, I finally put up our tree last weekend. He was so afraid Santa would get confused and not know where to leave his presents! I assured him Santa was very smart and could probably find a good place even without the tree :-). However, I know the importance of this, and of all of these young memories he will hold with him forever.
This is also the week that my mother committed suicide so many years ago. I had just turned 16 and though my world was already upside down, it did a huge 360, never to go back again. If being 16 in an upside down world wasn't enough, I learned very quickly of the many other cruelties outside of my own house. Though already a very mature 16 year old, I aged 10 years very quickly. There were so many things that happened before, and after that time. The very same things that I hold with me forever too.
It is truly by God's grace that I have been able to give my little boy exactly what I did not get as a child. His world is full of love, and of security, and filled with the knowledge that he is cherished just because he is my child. He has always known from the moment the Doctor placed him gently on my chest, that he will always have a soft place to land. I've spent countless hours staring at him in complete awe of this miracle God has chosen to give to me.
The biggest fear that I had while pregnant, was that I would be abusive or that I would show my son the same messed up life my parents showed to me. I was actually terrified. And yet, it has been exactly the opposite as I wonder how anyone could ever harm a hair on that tiny head. The love you have for your child is so immeasurable and is such a natural driving force, you would never harm them. If anything, I suffer from trying to protect him from lifes cruelties...and sadly I know that I can not.
So, this Christmas will be another of many that will be beautiful and filled with love and laughter. My eyes will fill with tears just to hear his tiny footsteps running down the stairs to see what Santa has brought for him. He will tear each package open and exclaim to me how happy he is. He will show me everything, but the biggest thing he will show me is how a life can change for the better. He will sit on my lap, tell me he loves me so much, and that he is so happy. The very same things I never said as a girl, and never thought I would hear from my own unexpected miracle child.
May your Christmas be filled with all of lifes many blessings. I hope and pray that you can reflect on so many things, and that you can also find grace and peace in whatever your circumstances may be. Merry Christmas.
