Teaching Our Children About Integrity

You learn so much from being a parent! Who knew it could be so "enlightening" shall I say :-). This week was one of those moments when you just have to take a deep sigh, count to 10, and hope you give sound advice that will "stick".

So, my son is now 10 going on 20. It is that age when you think you know everything, and that you can get away with anything too. Do you remember that? I sure do! However, I truly believe my mother "had eyes behind her head" as she would always remind me. How else could she have known all of the mischief I was up to? It never occurred to me that possibly she had done some of the very same things. Aha moment!

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is so true. My little apple is more like me than I could've imagined. Though I give him credit, as he certainly has a stronger moral compass than I ever did. I have to hope that it is from my parenting, and that maybe, just maybe, some things do sink in with him. Without going into detail, I caught him in a lie. It wasn't a heinous lie, but, it was still bad enough. Just when I thought I could trust him to do the right thing, he opened my eyes to the contrary alright. I immediately confiscated his more prized possessions (laptop, games, Wii System) and told him he would not be getting any of it back until I felt that I could trust him enough. I've learned with him, that the most feared (and successful) punishment has to be this way. To take away his favorite things without concrete knowledge of if/when they may return, is tragic! He was devastated to say the least, and so was I. I take no pleasure in punishing him, or seeing him upset. It's one of the hardest things to have to do as a parent. When you love someone, you just want them to be happy, and you look forward to finding ways to bring them joy. So, it was a bad day alright.

Days later as the angst had passed, and there had been time for both of us to settle down, I decided to talk with him about it. I've certainly learned the value of letting things "cool down" and of perfect timing for everything. I also know that we connect so much better when we are involved in an activity, and not when I sit him down and say, "we need to talk". Ha! That is the sentence no man, no matter how young, ever wants to hear :-)! So, as we were riding bikes I started a conversation with him about integrity and character. I asked him if he knew what those meant. As always, he said, "yes I do", and he attempted to tell me. I have to chuckle inside because though he always thinks his answers are dynamic and on target, half the time he just ends up trailing down a rabbit hole without ever clearly answering it. I defined each one to him, and then I shared one of my favorite quotes, "The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching". I told him that what he had done was wrong, and that he needs to think more closely about his actions in the future. I let him know that he must strive to always be a man of character, as it will define his life. He looked at me blankly but, I could see that it sunk in. I tried to give him examples of this. He did his best to explain away his previous actions, and to make me believe that he was "confused" about the right thing to do at that time. I told him, "if that is ever the case, you need to come to me and ask". I let him know how important it is to be able to trust him with the little things, in order to trust him with the bigger things. This made perfect sense to him as he wants a dog, and I've told him time and again that I will need to be able to trust him enough to know 100% he will provide and care for it.

So, we enjoyed a good bike ride that day, and he learned more about being a good man. I know he sincerely wants that. He amazes me as he already knows that he wants to be a husband and a father someday too. Wow! All I knew at his age was I wanted to skip school and play on my horse forever! Anyway, a good lesson learned. Hopefully, it will continue to sink in with him. I guess only time will tell.

"Date Night" & other activities for you and your little man!

Life is busy, and I know that mine certainly qualifies! Especially as a single mom, the days are just filled with "to-do" lists, and not enough "doers" to do them :-)! However, even in the chaos, I know that time is so valuable. I do my best to stay in the present and value each minute of this life with my little man, as someday he won't be so little anymore.

On Friday nights, I have done my best to have "date night" with my little guy. Of course as he has gotten older, he prefers to call it "food night" as the thought of date night with his mother just isn't "cool"! I set aside a few hours to take him somewhere special. It may be Dairy Queen, McDonalds, or even the local Mexican restaurant. However, there have also been times we just pile up on the couch, popcorn in hand, and watch a great family movie together. Either way, it is our time, uninterrupted by life's demands, and the very special time that he will remember always.

The following list includes other special activities you can do that are affordable (or free) and that your little guy will love:

* Light sparklers and run around the yard, or a park together!

* Meet him for lunch at his school.

* Have a picnic together.

* Be "Archaeologists" and scout for special rocks, leaves, insects, etc., in your yard, at the beach or a park.

* Take a bike ride.

* Dance together! We have our own routine that we have done since he was 2 years old. We often add to it and break it out when the moment strikes us!

* Speaking of dance... we dance to Michael Jackson on the Wii game! We LOVE this and completely laugh at ourselves :-)!!

* Do artwork together, build something, put a puzzle together.

* Bake a cake, make cookies, or let him help you prepare dinner.

* Volunteer together (Nursing Home, Soup Kitchen, Animal Shelter, etc.) which is especially good for teaching him the value of giving back.

* Sing Karaoke together!

* Walk with him to school or just anywhere that is peaceful and talk about what you see along the way.

* Go to a museum or a craft fair and let him tell you about the things he would like to create himself. Help him achieve those things if possible.

* Plant a garden. Let him pick out what to plant (vegetables, flowers) and let him manage them as they grow.

* Build a birdhouse. We have loved this! Each year we welcome new little bird families and love to see the creation of life!

* If you can, build a backyard swing for two. We have one that we have enjoyed so much. We read, we watch wildlife, or just have great talks together.

* Read about history and explain to him how far we have come...and how far we have yet to go!

* Have a yard sale and let him make his own money by gathering his unwanted toys to sell, and by selling lemonade.

* Build a scrapbook or a collage of your lives. Let him help you cut pictures from magazines and your own photos.

* Take an overnight roadtrip to somewhere special, or, just a daytrip. We have gone strawberry picking, or to the zoo, to a sporting event, or monster trucks!

Hope these help you create special memories and also help you slow down in this hectic world! I know they have certainly helped me!

Christmas Memories...good and bad.

It is almost Christmas as my little boy reminds me daily. Awwwww, the sweet anticipation of a 6 year old who anxiously awaits Santa's arrival. Thankfully, I finally put up our tree last weekend. He was so afraid Santa would get confused and not know where to leave his presents! I assured him Santa was very smart and could probably find a good place even without the tree :-). However, I know the importance of this, and of all of these young memories he will hold with him forever.

This is also the week that my mother committed suicide so many years ago. I had just turned 16 and though my world was already upside down, it did a huge 360, never to go back again. If being 16 in an upside down world wasn't enough, I learned very quickly of the many other cruelties outside of my own house. Though already a very mature 16 year old, I aged 10 years very quickly. There were so many things that happened before, and after that time. The very same things that I hold with me forever too.

It is truly by God's grace that I have been able to give my little boy exactly what I did not get as a child. His world is full of love, and of security, and filled with the knowledge that he is cherished just because he is my child. He has always known from the moment the Doctor placed him gently on my chest, that he will always have a soft place to land. I've spent countless hours staring at him in complete awe of this miracle God has chosen to give to me.

The biggest fear that I had while pregnant, was that I would be abusive or that I would show my son the same messed up life my parents showed to me. I was actually terrified. And yet, it has been exactly the opposite as I wonder how anyone could ever harm a hair on that tiny head. The love you have for your child is so immeasurable and is such a natural driving force, you would never harm them. If anything, I suffer from trying to protect him from lifes cruelties...and sadly I know that I can not.

So, this Christmas will be another of many that will be beautiful and filled with love and laughter. My eyes will fill with tears just to hear his tiny footsteps running down the stairs to see what Santa has brought for him. He will tear each package open and exclaim to me how happy he is. He will show me everything, but the biggest thing he will show me is how a life can change for the better. He will sit on my lap, tell me he loves me so much, and that he is so happy. The very same things I never said as a girl, and never thought I would hear from my own unexpected miracle child.

May your Christmas be filled with all of lifes many blessings. I hope and pray that you can reflect on so many things, and that you can also find grace and peace in whatever your circumstances may be. Merry Christmas.

Building your child's self-esteem

My son is 6 now. My biggest fear while pregnant with him was that I would "mess him up" given my own childhood experiences. I feared that I would be exactly the same to him as my own parents were to me. Thank God that this fear has long since passed! In fact, I wonder how any parent could say or do harmful things to thier children? The love you feel for them just eminates in your actions and you simply cherish them naturally. My son is such a happy, confident, and well-balanced individual!

There are many things that I have done along the way to help build my son's self esteem and assure him of my unconditional love for him. Especially in today's world, I feel that this is necessary. The following list is just a few of the many:

* Spend one-on-one time with him daily. Even if you can only find a few minutes in your busy schedule, and believe me, mine is busy!

* Truly listen to what he is telling me. Ask him about his day, how school was, who his friends are, what challenges he may have had that day?, etc.

* Pray together especially before bedtime. Hold his hand while doing so, and take turns saying the prayer.

* Before prayer at night, I always ask him what was the best thing that happened to him that day?

* I talk to him when I go and check on him in the middle of the night. Yes, it may sound odd, but I do believe that even while sleeping people have some recollection of what they hear :-). I make sure to remind him how much I love him, what a good boy he is, that he is the best gift God ever gave me, etc.

* Whenever he gives me a hard time about something or we are in disagreement, I explain to him my feelings and why I am upset with him. I look him in the eye and calmly state my reasons. I listen to his also. I feel that even children need to know that they have some ground to stand on and the reasons for certain decisions.

* It goes without saying that I continually hug him, tell him I love him, compliment him sincerely, and remind him of his worth to me.

* I let him pick out his clothes. Yes, there are times I have to change his attire, but for the most part he actually does a pretty good job!

* Spend time coloring with him, playing basketball with him, taking walks together, watching good movies together, dancing together, etc.

* Asking him his opinion on things, then asking him why he feels that way?

* Teaching him about money and savings. Letting him know the value of hard work, and being able to earn money of his own that he happily keeps in his piggy bank and is so proud to have.

* Letting him make choices on things: where to eat, what movie to watch, what activity to do, etc (within reason of course).

These are only a few of the things that I make sure to do consistently. I'm sure some of them are things you do as well. If not, you may want to try a few of them and see what happens :-). My son knows he is loved unconditionally, he is valued, and that he is safe. He also knows however, that I am still his mother and the main decisions will always fall on me to decide. This is a boundary that stays consistent. Yet, we have very few power struggles due to the trust and the confidence I have built in him.

Happy parenting to all of you!

Learning to say "sorry"

Being a single mom is certainly challenging, especially with no family. Though I should be used to it by now, believe me, I have my moments. Since this is my blog, and I am all about honesty, I just have to admit that sometimes I do lose it...like most moms. Although it's hard to admit, it's definitely true. Just the other day I entered the TV room to find 3 colors of crayon on my faux zebra skin rug. Can you say "Aghhhhh"!! My poor son. He didn't do it on purpose. There was a space heater on in that room and the crayons were next to it. He says to me, "Wow Mommy, I never knew that crayons could melt"? Of course I went to see what he was talking about. And yes, it was not pretty. I did get quite upset with him and even sent him to his room. I then attempted to clean the mess. I was still angry while I was cleaning it. After a while, I got the bright idea to just turn it upside down :-). Thankfully, that did the trick! Brand new again!

I felt bad for having yelled at my son. I apologized, but guess what, you truly can't take the words back. Once they have been said, it's a done deal. Thankfully my son is quite resilient and bounces right back from most things. He didn't even get frazzled about it, but I sure did. I apologized first thing the next morning when I woke him up, and he didn't even remember the incident...but I did.

Please never forget to say, "I'm sorry and I love you". Never be too proud or too busy to utter those words. Life is too short, and love truly is what matters. Forgive and forget. It's a constant lesson that I work on.