Christmas Memories...good and bad.

It is almost Christmas as my little boy reminds me daily. Awwwww, the sweet anticipation of a 6 year old who anxiously awaits Santa's arrival. Thankfully, I finally put up our tree last weekend. He was so afraid Santa would get confused and not know where to leave his presents! I assured him Santa was very smart and could probably find a good place even without the tree :-). However, I know the importance of this, and of all of these young memories he will hold with him forever.

This is also the week that my mother committed suicide so many years ago. I had just turned 16 and though my world was already upside down, it did a huge 360, never to go back again. If being 16 in an upside down world wasn't enough, I learned very quickly of the many other cruelties outside of my own house. Though already a very mature 16 year old, I aged 10 years very quickly. There were so many things that happened before, and after that time. The very same things that I hold with me forever too.

It is truly by God's grace that I have been able to give my little boy exactly what I did not get as a child. His world is full of love, and of security, and filled with the knowledge that he is cherished just because he is my child. He has always known from the moment the Doctor placed him gently on my chest, that he will always have a soft place to land. I've spent countless hours staring at him in complete awe of this miracle God has chosen to give to me.

The biggest fear that I had while pregnant, was that I would be abusive or that I would show my son the same messed up life my parents showed to me. I was actually terrified. And yet, it has been exactly the opposite as I wonder how anyone could ever harm a hair on that tiny head. The love you have for your child is so immeasurable and is such a natural driving force, you would never harm them. If anything, I suffer from trying to protect him from lifes cruelties...and sadly I know that I can not.

So, this Christmas will be another of many that will be beautiful and filled with love and laughter. My eyes will fill with tears just to hear his tiny footsteps running down the stairs to see what Santa has brought for him. He will tear each package open and exclaim to me how happy he is. He will show me everything, but the biggest thing he will show me is how a life can change for the better. He will sit on my lap, tell me he loves me so much, and that he is so happy. The very same things I never said as a girl, and never thought I would hear from my own unexpected miracle child.

May your Christmas be filled with all of lifes many blessings. I hope and pray that you can reflect on so many things, and that you can also find grace and peace in whatever your circumstances may be. Merry Christmas.

Peanut Butter Kisses

I had my son late in life. I am sure that God knew what He was doing! Prior to that time, I would have just been too selfish and too concerned about the little things. Who knew that a little hand could teach you so much!

While I was pregnant, a co-worker told me to be prepared for everything being spilled on me and "relieved" on me. Part of me laughed, and the other part was in horror! How could this fashionable woman ever allow that to happen? Me, of all people! I set forth to prove her wrong...but was I ever wrong!

There have been so many times in the short 6 years of my son's life where he certainly has fulfilled all...and more of what my co-worker predicted. I learned to always bring an extra change of clothes, for both him and me. I stopped fussing so much about being so utterly "put together" and started worrying more about that little hand who held mine so tightly. The same hands that would come running so happily toward me with big peanut butter kisses, which always left a trail on my clothing. There have been many times that I have simply had to laugh at the time and forethought that I put into getting dressed, only to have to change into something else quickly and haphazardly.

I remember reading the last letter of Erma Bombeck, and how it made a huge impact on me and still does. She was one of the funniest women and so full of life! Her book, "If life is a Bowl of Cherries, What am I doing in the Pits" was so funny and so true. Her last writing was titled, "If I Had My Life to Live Over". It is so terribly sad to read, and yet, so true and profound. One of the many things that she says is that "I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains".

I remember reading this and thinking, how horrible that such a funny lady who seemed to live life so fully, had all of these regrets. I made a promise to myself that I would do the very best I could never to feel that way. Yet, I find I still take things too seriously, and lose my patience when I probably shouldn't. I worry about the little things, and forget to look at the big picture. Yes, I too am a victim of "The Human Condition".

All that you and me can ever do is to keep trying. Practice gratitude daily, stop and smell the roses. Remember that tomorrow is another day to work harder toward that goal. It is the life I am also creating for my son, as these are the memories I want him to have of his childhood with me. I am a work in progress, as we all are :-).

Peace and Grace to you.

Learning to say "sorry"

Being a single mom is certainly challenging, especially with no family. Though I should be used to it by now, believe me, I have my moments. Since this is my blog, and I am all about honesty, I just have to admit that sometimes I do lose it...like most moms. Although it's hard to admit, it's definitely true. Just the other day I entered the TV room to find 3 colors of crayon on my faux zebra skin rug. Can you say "Aghhhhh"!! My poor son. He didn't do it on purpose. There was a space heater on in that room and the crayons were next to it. He says to me, "Wow Mommy, I never knew that crayons could melt"? Of course I went to see what he was talking about. And yes, it was not pretty. I did get quite upset with him and even sent him to his room. I then attempted to clean the mess. I was still angry while I was cleaning it. After a while, I got the bright idea to just turn it upside down :-). Thankfully, that did the trick! Brand new again!

I felt bad for having yelled at my son. I apologized, but guess what, you truly can't take the words back. Once they have been said, it's a done deal. Thankfully my son is quite resilient and bounces right back from most things. He didn't even get frazzled about it, but I sure did. I apologized first thing the next morning when I woke him up, and he didn't even remember the incident...but I did.

Please never forget to say, "I'm sorry and I love you". Never be too proud or too busy to utter those words. Life is too short, and love truly is what matters. Forgive and forget. It's a constant lesson that I work on.